Halo: Reach Screwed Up Version
by Cybermat47
Summary: A prequel to Neptin the Sangheili's screwed up Halo series. You'll enjoy it, or else! Walpole's a character even though I haven't got the faintest damn idea of who the hell he is. Deal with it, Walpole-ites! This... this abomination, tells the story of FONDLE team during the fall of the planet Reacharound. It contains swearing. Lots and lots of swearing. I'm like a bloody sailor!
1. Fucktard Actual

**This story is a prequel to Neptin the Sangheili's screwed up Halo series. Let's begin & may God bless you all...**

The warthog bounced across the muddy plain. It's passenger, a strong and silent Spartan, muttered "HOLY SHIT YOU DUMB FUCK! SLOW THE FUCK DOWN ASSHOLE!" The driver slumped over, his brains ruptured. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DIPSHIT?!" The vehicle crashed into a building. "AAAAAAAASSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOOOLE !" Screamed the nearly silent Spartan-B312. He walked over too another building, pausing only to nod at another Spartan. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU DUMB RUSSIAN FUCK?!" He said to Jun. He walked in, and saw a creepy guy sharpening knives. "Hannibal Lechter is a FUCKING SPARTAN?!" A woman blocked his way, and said "Commander?" "Not now Pussy, I'm talking to Colonel Netherlands!" Netherlands said, "I sent men to DIE! Go get em back so I can have my way with them! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah!" The woman looked at Carter. "My names Catherine. I said you could call me Kat, not Pussy!" "I don't CAAARE!" They got into FUCKING HELICOPTERS. It's 2552, get with the FUCKING times, UNSC! Six said, "What are we doing?" Carter replied. "Getting more rape victims for Netherlands."


	2. Winter Rules

**Holy Jesus (I love Jesus he's awesome) that was an epic intro now onto the main event...**

The copter bopters flew onto a farm WOOOOOOOSH. Carter turned to Six. "Look up." Six looked up at his own feet. "Ha ha ha I fucking inverted you asshole :D" The copter bopter landed. Carter looked at Jun. 'Stay here you dumb Russian fuck." Jun was all ;_;. "How come Kat can go with you?" Carter screamed. "BECAUSE I CAN SHOVE MY COCK INTO HER DUMBASS!" Mary Whitehouse went up to him and neutered him. "AOWAOWOAOWOKOWOOAOOWOOSOAOOO SIIWKS!" Screamed Carter, his semen spraying onto the ground. Mary Whitehouse then went back into her grave. Kat shot Carter in the head. "Misogynistic asshole." Then six pulled her armour off and thrusted his dick into her pussy and the pussy died and the RSPCA started a petition to have six arrested for animal cruelty because they hated to see pussy cats impaled by penises.

Kat then found this red thing. "No rape victims here." Then they found some farmers. Jorge put them inside airless crates and sent them to Colonel Netherlands. Then they went into a building and found dead army men. Carter looked at them. "From the size of their assholes I'd say they were raped. Let's go, Netherlands only wants living ones." Then birds started shooting at them, and Emile and Kat randomly flew off to a building.

Without a plane.

Without jet packs.

:O

The birds were joined by sissies and dinosaurs. The weird spartans killed them. They drove around and killed all of them, so the RSPCA for aliens hated them too. Then they found army men, put them in crates and caught a QANTAS flight to Kat and Emile but it was QANTAS so they spent two hours waiting. They found Kat and Emile, killed all the sissies, birds and dinosaurs and then found a dead bloke and a hot Hungarian chick :D

Some dinosaurs with dicks on their heads walked through, politely saying "Excuse me dear chap, must get past, thank you sir." Jorge put the chick into a crate, while Carter raped the dead guy.


	3. ONI: Stick Base

**Ok, I admit that 'Weirdo Contingency' was strange, even for me. Now READ,** **person, READ! I know it isn't 'Das Boot', but it's still pretty damn good...**

The copter bopters flew into a place were aliens were killing guys. Carter looked out. "Wow, that's some seriously scary shit out there. Kat, Six, get the fuck out there!" They got out and killed all the aliens. Six looked up. "Holy Fucking Mother of God, that's a SSC - Class Cattle Bruiser!" Then God killed him, so he had to replay the entire level again. Then randomly a guy told him to turn things on and gave him a car. He drove over some aliens and turned on a Big Fucking Gun. The BFG looked at him, and killed him. So he had to replay the entire thing again. Then he plugged in a phone. The phone said, "IMMA GONNA RAPE YA SOUL!" and then it raped his soul. Then it raped Seoul. And then seals. Six, feeling violated, went back to the place.

Then he went inside, killed some aliens, then blew some shit up, so the cruser bruser outside randomly flew away. Then it randomly blew up. Then Carter said "Come down to the creepy office. Dr. Halsey wants to treat us like shit and command says that we're her bitches." Jorge randomly appeared and said "I've been her bitch half my life. Back when she dressed in leather." They went down to a creepy place to see a bondage woman in leather whipping Emile. Carter was watching. The bondage woman said "Who the fuck killed my bitch in Visegrad!?" Jorge said "We saw some alien dickheads." Halsey replied. "Dickheads? You're certain?" Jorge said "Yeah because there were penises on their heads." Halsey said "Fuck off."


	4. Night Rise

**Hooray! That was the best thing I ever read! Now we read some more awesome shit!**

Kat spoke to six and Jun through a radio. "OK, Colonel Netherlands wants to try some Alien meat in bed. Round up some aliens for him to desecrate, ASSHOLES!" Jun nodded. "OK. Oh look Six, there's an Elite, you'd better rape him." Six crept up and raped the life out of the unfortunate alien. Then he did it to the Grunts. Then they found a group of Covenant being Necrophiles, the disgusting creeps. Jun called it in, and shoved them all into crates. Then they did that to all the Covenant they found, even the BoBs! Then they found some farmers with guns, but Jun shot them because by this time he hated all Americans. Then some cruser brusers randomly turned up. Kat spoke to them on the radio. "Hey, in the morning why don't we randomly charge that shit?"


End file.
